I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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