Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
