i wish there were pregnant emoticons
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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