So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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