The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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