we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
