My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
