I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
