I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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