I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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