apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
