She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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