He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Just cropdusted the office
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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