I wish my penis had an off switch
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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