haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
