turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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