He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
