I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Don't make out with my wife yet
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
