The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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