just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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