Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
