where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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