Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
