We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
two words...techno handjob
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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