My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Randomize
