Tell her she can't have a vagina
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
