I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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