im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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