I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Randomize
