So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
