First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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