I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
