So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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