Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
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