Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
