you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
