I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
