So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
