Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Randomize
