Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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