I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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