Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
