And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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