I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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