Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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