bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
