allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
