So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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