i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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