dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
