god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
