well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
