living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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