I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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