Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
