why do cheetos always look like penises
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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