i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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