I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
There's always time for handjobs
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
