i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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